On Grace

“Armed with will and determination,
and grace too”

–The Tragically Hip

Lately I’ve been thinking of the word “grace.” The grace I’m thinking of isn’t Merriam Webster’s “ease and fluidity of movement” or “a pleasing appearance or effect.” Perhaps “a sense of propriety or right,” or “a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving,” are more like it, but I feel these definitions suggest a tamping down of real emotions: “a controlled…way of behaving,” or a “sense of propriety.” I can see how these definitions came about, but they don’t feel quite right.

I think instead of grace as being M-W’s “benevolence or good will.” How we extend that to others but not as often to ourselves. And maybe I’m thinking a bit about what M-W notes is a Christian meaning: “God-given help or kindness,” but more in terms of person-given help or kindness. The grace of a friend, for instance. The grace of nature, to put up with humans as long as it has.

In The Lord of the Rings movie, Arwen is racing Frodo to Rivendell for help. He’s been stabbed by a Nazgûl blade and may not survive. She whispers to him: “What grace is given to me, let it pass to him.” In this case grace refers to her elvish long life—she hopes it may keep Frodo alive long enough so that her father can heal him.  

Grace informs how we move through the world. Do we think the worst of people, or do we hold grace in our hearts for them? It’s not easy these days to have grace. Humanity is a hard thing to care for right now, in our fractured democracy.

While I am willing to extend grace to others, I have trouble extending it to myself. I will beat myself up about things I should have done but didn’t, or ways I should have reacted but didn’t. But I do not have the ability to consider my actions with grace. To accept that I thought I was doing what was right at the time and, with the clarity of hindsight, perhaps I wasn’t. Or perhaps I was never wrong in the first place. I wish I could grant myself more grace, if possible.

Grace is also the root of gracefully. How do we gracefully extricate ourselves from relationships that are fraught or difficult? How do we gracefully navigate the minefield of a new workplace? How do we gracefully respond when faced with unsuitable questions?

I had a friend once who was extremely negative. I had to extricate myself from our relationship because I couldn’t handle her emotions. I’m not sure that I did it gracefully, but I tried. I also had to deal with the unknowns of a new workplace, and am sad to say that I don’t think I did it gracefully. It didn’t help that I wasn’t sure exactly what I was dealing with. As for unsuitable questions, I have definitely not gracefully responded to those. A woman in the pool changeroom a few months ago asked me when my baby was due. I was not graceful. I was angry. And rightfully so. Some things are not meant to be gracefully endured.

Grace is a state of being; a sense of kindness, care, and benevolence; a spiritual thing; a type of forgiveness. Grant us grace to forgive our friends their foibles, and to see strangers as good people unless—until—they show otherwise. Let us gracefully navigate the perils of relationships, with people and the natural world. May we be as the Tragically Hip sing: armed not just with will and determination, but with grace, too.